The world is a battleground, there are a lot of temptations which leads to taking mistakes and walk a wrong path. We realize that what we do are wrong, but most of us tend to diminish the fault which makes us feel better. Little of us will come to surrender to God, admitting all the faults and pathetic past that we had suffered.
Yet, we surrender is a painful process. We have to dig out all of our unwanted past, revealing every single details in your life that you want to hand them into God, as we human being have no strength in dealing them by ourselves. Those unwanted past consist of some emotion that we cannot corporate with, some pathetic unchanged memories which cause us pain and the act that we have done to hurt somebody which makes us feel guilt. Tackling any of them takes time and strength to do it, and most of us will give up in the mid-way of the process because direct facing those scars made us devastated and the wounds are still there. After a month since broke up, I felt like I had gone out of the past, I could finally forget the past that I had and can move on to my new life. However, I never thought that I was not actually fully recovered. Whenever there is a trigger, I actually will get emotional breakdown easily. My sister K in church told me, the scar is still here, just the wound now is recovered in the surface, but inside is still bleeding. What I need to do is to clear the deeply rooted dirt inside the wound in order to get myself recovered. The process is painful as we need to dig into the root of the problem first, bleed first, then the wound can heal. “Then Jesus said to His disciples, “If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me. “For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it.”-Matthew 16:24-25 No matter how hard it is, I know that God will stay here with me if I can give myself completely to him.
In this period, I try so hard to change myself, through mindset to behavior. Until a point, I seem to lose a balance between creating the new path with new habits and the old one. The past is not always bad, the memories are not always torturing, and when we are so focus on creating the future, we may have chance losing the people whom we care in the past, forgetting the good memories and experiences that we had. In order to keep getting better, I have to learn how to balance every parts of my life (my faith, my hobbies, my family, my work, my friends). If we can maintain good balance of life, we would never fall down again because all parts of my ME will inter-balance each other to make me in balance. “13 Surrender your heart to God, turn to him in prayer,14 and give up your sins—even those you do in secret.15 Then you won’t be ashamed;you will be confident and fearless. “- Job 11:13-15
P.S. To my sister E, I want to apologize for the irresponsible action that I have made and I understand how bad it sounds like. You are one of the the important people in my life who helped me walk through the painful year, and I would never forget this in my life. With all the heartbreaking moment that I can have your accompany, and I feel so blessed that you are always here for me. You are in a place where nobody can replace, I know action speaks louder than words, and I will get better and better and better me! Love you forever
marryyourselfyhm 